so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!
here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:
disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.
sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.
so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—
here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:
- it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.
so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.
EXCEPT, OF COURSE:
- you have to pay for pay per view.
so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”
- AS A FAMILY.
and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.
"i received the tv bill today," my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. "does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?"
as a reminder, a quick table survey:
- my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)
- my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)
- my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)
- me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography
my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”
my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.
my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”
- WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?
"don’t expose my kid to that crap."
- MY KID
- TO THAT CRAP
"if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room."
- I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT
- IN THE LIVING ROOM
but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?
- are you fucking kidding
- i did not want to go to porn prison
the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:
- my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for
- my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences
- my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences
but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?
- are you fucking kidding
- this is the best thing i’ve ever done
what an amazing story
READ IT. READ IT ALL.
This is a story about Myka and Emily Lake. It takes place in a universe that is not precisely alternate; it was part of my season 4 fixit (Sleeping/Boone). Then amatterofcomplication and ellabellbee wanted more of Myka and Emily, so I wrote Together (part 1, part 2, and part 3) and Sustenance for them. This is more of that, slightly less lighthearted perhaps, but amatterofcomplication brought up some very interesting issues a while ago, and I ran with those. The jokes will make little sense if you haven’t read “Together,” but what you mostly need to know is this: Myka left the Secret Service after Sam died and became a teacher of second-graders in Boone, Wisconsin. Emily Lake—the Janus-coined Emily Lake we met in Cheyenne, Wyoming, she of no memory and an American accent—then arrived in Boone to teach literature to high schoolers. They fell for each other in a big way.
Myka doesn’t like fireworks.
Gunshots hide far too easily amongst their explosions. Myka’s never seen any statistics on this, but she would be willing to bet that there’s an uptick in protectees and agents getting themselves taken down on the fourth of damn July.
So she is extremely ambivalent about the upcoming Boone City Park fireworks display that she has tried and failed to talk Emily out of attending. They’d had no choice about going to the school’s Spring Carnival, back in April—and Myka did have to admit that that had turned out astonishingly well. Emily has argued that they owe it to their students, even to the town, to go to these big events, even if they aren’t technically linked to the school. Further, she has argued, the fireworks are clearly The Event of the summer.
Myka wonders whether Boone has An Event for every season. She hadn’t been paying much attention to Events when she first came to this town… too much past was in her way, for one thing, and she was trying to keep up with too many second-graders as well. She does envy Emily her high-school students, even beyond the fact that she’s teaching them literature, but Emily has said that although the grass may look greener, the romantic crises alone are enough to make her want to wave a wand and turn them all into second-graders. Or otters. (When she said “otters,” Myka kissed her.)
Warehouse 13 Fanfic: the role she was cast.
Pairings: Bering and Wells
Word Count: ~2100
Notes: webgeekist yelled at me to write her fic, and this is what happened. Thanks to typey for the beta, and to web for telling me to post it.
Summary: Takes place as if written between S4 and S5. Cancer arc. Helena returns to the Warehouse to help, but doesn’t quite know how to talk to Myka. Pete entertains a recovering Myka by being silly.
// Queens of Las Vegas - ellabellbee requested Stacie Monroe & Sophie Devereaux, Hustle/Leverage crossover, and I thought which city could possibly hold the both of them at the same time if not Las Vegas.
…I’ll see myself out… :P
BUT THE GOOGLEY EYED POST IT
(Disclaimer: I’m not a writer, but when I do write, I have tended towards the absurd.)
You haven’t really had the best of lives. Most of it has been stuck under a whole stack of siblings which isn’t exactly conducive to a good quality of life. But it could be worse. Twice a year “exams” come around and suddenly heavy breathing and other weird human noises (often made by one person, occasionally by more than one, they seemed happy enough doing it) is replaced with the scribbling of pens, less pleasurable groaning and a reduction in the weight above your head. It’s the best time of year.
Then, in summer - a quiet time for the life of a post-it, y’know - your little stack is lifted. A voice, a new one, is enthusing over you. A slight weight is lifted as another sibling is put to use and you finally see light.
You’ve never exactly seen a human before, but you’re pretty sure this is a good specimen. You like her anyway. In your time in the shop or Gary’s room, you have never heard anyone this appreciative of the work you do. You can’t even grudge her when she pockets you. This woman may actually put you to good use. Maybe she’ll give the curly-haired woman her number using you. You have heard enough in your time as a note-in-waiting to know that looks like those two are giving each other… phone numbers and heavy breathing follow.
A lot seems to be happening and life in H.G.’s pocket is a lot more… active than life on Gary’s desk. She spends a lot of time taking her jacket on and off and hitting people and flirting with ‘Myka’. Not that the latter involved an awful lot of movement, you’re just really hoping for that phone number.
You get better.
It’s not just a phone number, not even a phone number. It’s romance. You’re left on a gift, and the look on Myka’s face… this is the work a sticky note was born for.
KEEP IT. YOU CAN OWE ME.
She carefully tucks you away in a bag (you’re not screwed up, you’re handled as gently as the grappler you are stored beside) for the longest journey you’ve ever taken. You felt a flash of jealousy when Helena left you, taking the stack with her, but now you know you’re the winner. She’s not going to throw you. She won’t.
Six years later…
You’re a bookmark. You’ve been living in The Time Machine since Myka chose to keep you. You see light, and a face that is too often sad (maybe H.G. should have given her a phone number, she does seem to ask you where H.G. - Helena - is an awful lot), more than most sticky notes you’ve heard of. It’s a better life than it started.
But Myka takes you out of the cover this time, and she doesn’t look sad, but you are nonetheless nervous. Maybe it’s time. You hope she’ll at least put you in the recycling. That Pete would probably just chuck you in ‘general waste’.
No, she’ll surely recycle you.
She does. But not in the way you expected. She places you on a table, by a beautifully made meal, and a small silver band is placed on top of you.
And you finally see Helena again (you’ve heard her, but Myka hasn;t needed to take you out since she returned, lots of heavy breathing), and she is almost as enthusiastic over this gift as she once was over you. Almost. She also seems delighted to see you again.
"You kept it," she speaks softly, glancing from you to your friend of six year. "I don’t think it affixes to objects any more though."
"It’s done a lot more."
when tumblr friends meet
jusT LOOKING AT THESE GIVE ME SMILES
OH GAWD OH GAWD WHO DO I HUG FIRST?#RACE#I WILL HUG RACE FIRST#SHE IS CLOSEST AND CLEARLY THE MOST HUGGABLE#AND THEN TYPEY AND WEB WILL LAUGH FOREVER#Lunatic Roadshow#evil ella might be evil (via Ellabellbee)
No BUT YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND! She really hugged Race first because CLEARLY THE MOST HUGGABLE LOL
LOL actually pretty sure ALL of the intro hugs (even Race’s) looked like that first gif.
you guys are adorbs. And Race being the most huggable made me snicker :)
She got ONE free pass because she’s Canadian. You can’t be mean to a Canadian its like kicking a puppy
"What can I tell you? A lot of nothing because it’s Marvel! I can tell you - where are the Marvel people?" [x]
You know, this is one thing that, as a studio, Marvel is doing right. The actors, writers, directors are all upfront about the fact that if they give out any spoilers or step out of the company line, they’re out. And everyone knows it. The fans know it, and they know that their faves are doing their best to satisfy their wishes and support of their ships and faves, but that ultimately, the Disney-Marvel machine controls everything. Everyone is reminded that these people are here to do a job.
That level of protection is not always there for other actors. Studios and tv producers parade their actors to promote their movies and shows at Cons like this, but if it is a problematic issue related to the writing, representation and the dreaded shipping questions, they let their actors out to fend for themselves. They let their affable, beautiful actors provide the damage control as ambassadors to the fans, and it puts the burden on the actors to be savvy enough to navigate volitile, often splintered and diverse fanbases.
And I am not saying that is not part of their job to grow the fanbase, promote the work and get people invested in the shows. But in the day and age of Tumblr and Twitter, the fourth wall has all but been obliterated. It isn’t fair to make the actors, and to a lesser degree show runners, bear the brunt of that fallout and possibly answer for studio mandated changes we know are happening, but easily forget. Because it is easy to forget that the actors supporting a ship doesn’t mean they have influence on the script. It is easy to forget that even showrunners and producers are limited by the studios and sponsors who fund their projects. It is easy to forget that these people we hold up as role models and reflections of ourselves in the media have limited power and usually have to balance improving representation and better writing and staying gainfully employed.
Marvel never lets you forget.
It stands in front of the actors to accept responsibility for the lack of LGBTQ representation, the lack of women led movies, the lack of ethnic minority representation, so you never blame the actors. As it should. More studios should do that instead hiding behind the actors. They’re just people doing their jobs, and it isn’t fair to ask them to manage the marketing aspects of the product as well.
Lana Parrilla attends Entertainment Weekly’s Annual Comic-Con Closing Night Celebration at the Hard Rock Hotel on Saturday, July 26, 2014, in San Diego.
My recap of this week’s Defiance explores some residual Bering and Wells feelings.
Heather Hogan for president